June 25, Thoughts

Yesterday was one of those days where i feel like Super Woman.  Jordan was gone all day, working his various jobs, and I somehow (still not sure how) managed to make and can two batches of black raspberry jam, bake bread, make lunch, start laundry, wash dishes twice, mow the lawn which has not been mowed in forever (seriously.  Think almost knee-high grass after weeks of alternating rain and sunshine.  It took over two hours), take care of three little boys, take a nap and go to church.  Crazy, huh?!

Days like that are rare.  More commonly, I spend an hour and a half trying to get my Lil J to eat his own breakfast without whining and another hour giving two of my boys a bath, disciplining throughout for things like hitting, whining, toy snatching disobedience, etc…like I did this morning.  It can be hard to maintain perspective in the midst of these battles and repetition, let alone a decent attitude!  Some days, I fail miserably.  Lots of days, I reward myself for my lack of ‘free’ time by making and eating cookies or sneaking ice cream (…yeah…it’s sad. And I am still ten pounds heavier than pre-Michael, despite eating a huge salad every day as my lunch and drinking plenty of water.  Sigh.)

Jordan has been working a lot.  As in, almost all day, almost every day.  And while I stay up late to visit with him, which has helped to keep us connected, I find myself feeling very alone in parenting.  It can be wearying to always be the One.  Who deals with everything.  Who loads everyone and everything in the van for every grocery run all by myself.  Who feeds three fussy boys for every meal all by myself.  Who wrangles them into and out of their clothes and deals with all the ensuing drama involved in the mornings and at bedtime. Who deals with every fit, every fight, every melt down and every boo-boo. Who has to cook during nap time or manage to keep three little boys entertained in the kitchen alongside me for every single meal.  All by myself.  It is a lonely place to be.  And while we are working to change that, I still struggle a lot with maintaining a good attitude through it all.  I’m not really sure what to do about it, actually.  I feel truly sorry for single moms, because at the end of the day, I know I at least have someone who loves me and supports me and will help me as much as is humanly possible, and single Mamas don’t get that.  I cherish the time we have as a whole family, Dad, Mom and kids, and try to fill in the gaps when it’s just me and I don’t feel like enough.  I try to focus on all the good things God has given me, and not on how “hard” I feel my job is.

It’s a struggle, but really, all of life is.  This is just where I am on the path so far.