Waiting. Still. Struggling to be content with the present.
I have always been tempted to day dream about the future. I tell myself, “I just want to be prepared” and so I visualize situations and circumstances that haven’t happened yet. I have been in this particular place of waiting three times now: the pre-baby anticipation.
I love this time, I really do! If I can maintain a good attitude and not worry too much about what the next day might hold, this is a great time of life. The calm before the storm, so to speak – except, in this case, I really, really want the storm to come. I know better than ever before how sweet the after-storm is, when there is a new baby, all the elation that comes with holding him, smelling him, nursing him, learning him. These pre-Michael days are AWESOME, because I have a wonderful husband and two sweet little sons who fill my days with excitement, fun, purpose and joy. AND, I know from experience how little time I will have to focus on them soon.
BUT. I also struggle with the anticipation, wondering, imagining…. what will he be like? What will the birth be like? Will it be quick and easy? Will there be some unusual struggle I will have to go through? What will I learn? How will handle labor and birth this time? Will it be expected? Surprising? In the middle of the night, or during the day? Will my husband have to rush home from work, or my water break while I’m at the store? Will it be early (as in, tomorrow, haha?) or late…another 4 weeks? I play out all kinds of scenarios in my mind, and then realize…it doesn’t matter. God knows, He is in control. I can never be prepared for everything. I need to be content for now. So that I can be content then.