It’s funny to me how I write blog posts – more like a diary, really, and I have so little time in which to write and post (insert “no internet at the house” story) that I literally sit down, type and click publish. I never proof-read, or really ponder as I am typing, although most of what I say has been mulled over in my mind for many days. It just seems such a strange way to write a blog!
So, this time, as I am sitting here with a heater at my feet, watching the clock and two little boys who are semi-satisfied with a random Great Clips coupon they found, I am full of thoughts about this pregnancy, this baby. Little Michael. I am growing so excited to meet him! It’s crazy how time has flown, and yet we seem to drag at this stage. Every week I reach the end and think, “8 weeks left??? Seriously?! How can this take so long!” I knew from previous experience that the last couple of months tends to be tedious this way and so I deliberately put all thoughts of baby and baby-prep on the back burner until I was well into the third trimester. I didn’t look at baby books. I didn’t document pregnancy symptoms. I didn’t pay attention to how my changing body felt, or sort through baby clothes, or make plans to ease the postpartum/new family experiences, and yet…. Here I sit. 34 weeks pregnant. 6 long weeks to go. I gave myself permission to work on and think of baby stuff just a short two weeks ago and you know what? It’s all done. Baby clothes are cleaned and sorted all the way through the coming summer months. Baby ‘stations’ are set up around the house. Towels and sheets and diapers and postpartum supplies for our anticipated home birth are ready and waiting, and I have read the baby books all the way from conception to baby’s six week check-up. I feel SO READY to meet our little Michael!
I learned some things from our other babies. Lil J taught me confidence as a Mama. He was sweet, and smooth, and let me make mistakes, and it was really peaceful. William? Taught me humility. He was challenging, and unpredictable, and needy and taught me that there is not a one-size-fits-all answer to baby problems, and that raising a baby is almost more about raising a Mama than anything else. This time around, I hope to greet Michael with low expectations and a lot of grace. I hope to just enjoy who he is, and not worry or fret if he doesn’t fit the mold I had imagined.
God has been kind to me in giving me an amazingly comfortable pregnancy (even with morning sickness it has been easier than last time!). I even feel…I don’t know, confident, maybe? about the up-coming birth. I’ve done it twice and so a third time, while it looms big in my future, doesn’t fill me with the same fear and self-doubt that I experienced previously. I know it will be hard, it will hurt, I will question my sanity, but I also know that God is bigger, that He will see me through, that it is over so quickly and it is so worth it, and that the biggest struggle is not the pain but the fear and the fear is something I can give to God.
So, I am waiting in our little nest. Preparing the last freezer meals this week. Shopping ahead (why do I always have a frantic need to stock up on toilet paper when I reach this phase of pregnancy?) Enjoying the easy days of just two little ones. Smiling at all the comments about how “small” I look, and how “it’s all baby!” – because I know I only look small because he’s sitting so low, and I further know that I am not carrying a baby in my thighs, therefore….all that extra weight is NOT baby. 🙂