So… it’s one of those days. I feel restless. I struggle moment-by-moment not to snap at my children for little things like, oh, the two-year-old dawdle when he sees something super impressive – like, a person, or a street lamp – and pauses to tell me about it, halfway across the parking lot. Meanwhile the one year old is catapulting himself out of my arms because he has an insatiable appetite for motion, and the diaper bag hangs heavy on my other shoulder, and I want to snap at both of them, and make them stop being so….little. My Lil J keeps excitedly relating EVERYTHING to me, seemingly oblivious of my bad attitude. I feel guilty for rejecting him, for wishing he would be more responsible and not knock his dinner off the table in the middle of his enthusiasm. I know that this is my problem, not theirs. Even if they are misbehaving, it is my problem, because they are just little. They don’t know better. The only way for them to know better is for me to teach them, and these are all golden opportunities to do so.
What I really need, is to teach myself first. How can I teach them self-control, when my whole day has been dictated by the emotions of the moment?
Times like these remind me why I had children. It wasn’t for me. I thought it was. I thought it was because I wanted a sweet baby to cuddle, a baby who would smell good and love me more than anything in the universe and make me proud of him. But children are more than that! They are souls. If I want them for their cuteness, for the pleasure I can get out of them, then my focus is wrong, and I will be sorely disappointed. This is the kind of disappointment I think a lot of American Mommies face, because society helps us build these high expectations and encourages this self-focus. But the only good reason to have children, is to have human beings. Eternal beings. Independent men and women who (we pray) put their faith in Christ and live an eternal life.
Today, I have been irritated because these sweet kids aren’t fitting into my plans. They aren’t pleasing me. They aren’t letting me chill with a cup of coffee and a book as I would like to do, because my head hurts and I want my way. I think I have a new item on my list of things to do:
– Learn to love my children the right way, not the way I want to love them