So, it’s not that I don’t have time to write. It’s not that I no longer enjoy it. I have many articles sitting in drafts, never to be published, I hope. The problem lies in the fact that I have a hard time convincing myself I have anything worth saying. I have so many thoughts, so many firmly held beliefs laying side by side with changing opinions and real experience, so much joy and difficulty. And it all revolves around who I am now as a wife and mama, and who I hope to be one day.
You see, right now, I am a young wife of 3 years, with two years of motherhood experience. Not much. I have been handed an easy plate in life, so far, and while I am grateful for that, I know it will not always be so. Mentally, I try to prepare myself for “real life” – whatever that is – when it hits. But for now, there is so much ordinary happiness that I almost feel guilty for expressing it. My sweet two year old, Jordan, is learning, and growing, and mimicking, and exploring adult life at an astonishing rate, and it is hilariously wonderful to watch, even when he has those moments of struggling with a new-found will and sin nature. My feisty one year old, William, is equally a joy, although almost an exact opposite of his brother. He is easily frustrated, highly competitive, determined and very affectionate. He walks, runs, babbles, imitates, eats, screams and laughs with equally intensity. I often sit back and watch my boys playing together and am amazed at…well, just how amazing they are. I wonder why I have been blessed with such incredible children?
We found out in July that God is blessing us with a third baby, and people now often comment on how hard I must have it. I wish they knew. I wish I could explain how the diapers, and the laundry, and the wiping tears and noses and assisting little hands and feet in living a life they are not yet big enough to tackle on their own, is not by any means the full story of young motherhood. There is a lot of work. Unless I were going to live the lazy life, any job would come with a lot of worth. I have a hard time believing any other job could possibly come with the same level of joy that this job does! My only complaint is that I often get bogged down in the details, or get lazy and try to do my own thing, instead of thoroughly investing myself in these children.
Another comment I hear a lot is about what a stress having little children can put on a marriage. Jordan and I are both selfish people. We needed kids. We still do. Both of us can say, whole-heartedly, that our children have strengthened us in ways we never knew we needed, and given us more joy as a couple, being parents together, than we had ever dreamed.
I say all of this, and then remember….I’ve only been doing this for three years. I so enjoy it, I want to enjoy it, and yet I am afraid of being cocky, and giving myself the credit for all this goodness that can only have come from God.
And that is why I have not been writing (er, publishing).