These are hard days. The time is so close – yet, hidden in the unknown it feels incredibly far away. Baby is “late” – although that’s really no big deal. They say first time babies typically are, and this Baby is welcome to utilize my belly as long as he/she needs to. However. That doesn’t mean I would be upset if he/she made an appearance pretty soon! 🙂
It is difficult to balance anticipation with patience, isn’t it? And, I find that anticipation so easily becomes anxiety, while patience quickly slips into almost sulky resignation. You know, the attitude of “Well, this baby is just NEVER going to come, and I might as well accept that!” For the past week, I have experienced so much discomfort, as well as hours of painful contractions that don’t go anywhere, and it has been difficult to maintain a good attitude through it all. I find myself short-tempered, after hours of dealing with pain, and often subject Jordan to yet another mini break-down, as I cry tears of self-pity, and wish – fruitlessly – that all the pain would either stop or get worse and DO SOMETHING. Coming to a place of peace and tranquility in all of this is an almost hourly choice.
I have to remind myself that peace is not based on feelings. It is based on fact.
Feeling: pain, frustration, the illusion that this discomfort will never end
Fact: there is a purpose for the pain, there is a God in control who knows the perfect time for this child to be born, and every pregnancy comes to an end
Feeling: my house isn’t exactly perfect and therefore I should panic
Fact: God never said perfect was a requirement as far as houses go
Fact: perfect love casteth out fear – and God’s love? It’s perfect.
These are things I keep reminding myself over and over again, particularly when I am uncomfortable. It is so easy to lose the perspective of thankfulness and to become caught up in wishing for something different, or just in feeling sorry for myself. I feel as though I have failed tremendously in my attitude recently, and I am asking God to help me live these last days of waiting – however many they may be – in a place of trust, rest and joy.
Here are some things I am thankful for:
– every day I’ve enjoyed a healthy pregnancy. Including today. And tomorrow, if I’m still pregnant then. And next Friday, if it comes to that! A healthy, normal pregnancy is so much more than many women experience!
– the patience and love Jordan has constantly given me, in spite of my many tearful, selfish, odd emotional moments
– the forgiveness of my Savior, and the strength and assurance He gives, although I don’t deserve it
– the painful contractions. According to the midwife, they may make the ‘real thing’ shorter and easier, and in any case they give me experience! 🙂
– each morning that I wake up leisurely, and get to spend time eating breakfast in bed with Jordan, and “hanging out”, just the two of us. I know times like these are going to be rare in the near future
– each day I get the opportunity to do one more thing in preparation for this Little One’s arrival