A place of peace

These are hard days.  The time is so close – yet, hidden in the unknown it feels incredibly far away.  Baby is “late” – although that’s really no big deal.  They say first time babies typically are, and this Baby is welcome to utilize my belly as long as he/she needs to.  However.  That doesn’t mean I would be upset if he/she made an appearance pretty soon! 🙂

It is difficult to balance anticipation with patience, isn’t it?  And, I find that anticipation so easily becomes anxiety, while patience quickly slips into almost sulky resignation.  You know, the attitude of “Well, this baby is just NEVER going to come, and I might as well accept that!”  For the past week, I have experienced so much discomfort, as well as hours of painful contractions that don’t go anywhere, and it has been difficult to maintain a good attitude through it all.  I find myself short-tempered, after hours of dealing with pain, and often subject Jordan to yet another mini break-down, as I cry tears of self-pity, and wish – fruitlessly – that all the pain would either stop or get worse and DO SOMETHING.  Coming to a place of peace and tranquility in all of this is an almost hourly choice.

I have to remind myself that peace is not based on feelings.  It is based on fact.

Feeling: pain, frustration, the illusion that this discomfort will never end

Fact: there is a purpose for the pain, there is a God in control who knows the perfect time for this child to be born, and every pregnancy comes to an end

Feeling: my house isn’t exactly perfect and therefore I should panic

Fact: God never said perfect was a requirement as far as houses go

Feeling: fear

Fact: perfect love casteth out fear – and God’s love?  It’s perfect.

These are things I keep reminding myself over and over again, particularly when I am uncomfortable.  It is so easy to lose the perspective of thankfulness and to become caught up in wishing for something different, or just in feeling sorry for myself.  I feel as though I have failed tremendously in my attitude recently, and I am asking God to help me live these last days of waiting – however many they may be – in a place of trust, rest and joy.
Here are some things I am thankful for:

– every day I’ve enjoyed a healthy pregnancy.  Including today.  And tomorrow, if I’m still pregnant then.  And next Friday, if it comes to that!  A healthy, normal pregnancy is so much more than many women experience!

– the patience and love Jordan has constantly given me, in spite of my many tearful, selfish, odd emotional moments

– the forgiveness of my Savior, and the strength and assurance He gives, although I don’t deserve it

– the painful contractions.  According to the midwife, they may make the ‘real thing’ shorter and easier, and in any case they give me experience! 🙂

– each morning that I wake up leisurely, and get to spend time eating breakfast in bed with Jordan, and “hanging out”, just the two of us.  I know times like these are going to be rare in the near future

– each day I get the opportunity to do one more thing in preparation for this Little One’s arrival

I’m bored…

Of course, Jordan would be quick to remind me that only the boring actually get bored, but… I guess what I really mean is, I feel a little aimless right now.  I am less than two weeks away from the “due date” – which probably means, I am about three or four weeks away from actually meeting this little one – and there seems so little to do.  Even after my careful planning, and the fact that I set aside several projects for these last few days, I look around my house and realize pretty much everything is done.  Dresser for Baby?  Finally have it, and the clothes I thought would take so long to organize and put in drawers were all in place in about thirty minutes.  The weird deep-cleaning projects like wiping all the baseboards and cleaning out the inside of the stove?  Yeah, those took a couple hours.  Making a little changing pad for the diaper bag?  15 minutes.  Finishing all my mending?  Maybe half an hour.  Making a curtain for the closet in teh baby’s room?  I worked on it slowly, and it still only took 45 minutes!  Freezer meals?  Well, those took a little longer, but after only a few days of cooking a little extra here and there, our little freezer is so full I can’t possibly fit anything else in.
I know people would call this “nesting” but it’s hard for me to see it that way, since these are all things I planned on doing, not things I suddenly decided to do in a burst of panic and energy.  In fact, I’ve had to seriously motivate myself to get them done, only to find that they all turned out easier and quicker than I thought.  Having food in the freezer involved no more effort than making a double batch of the dinner I already had to cook anyway!  And since I’m used to cooking for a crowd, after growing up with 7 siblings, that really wasn’t hard.

So, I am left scrounging for things to do when I wake up in the mornings.  “Um, let’s see… cook dinner…wash the dishes from cooking dinner…. Hey!  There might be enough dirty clothes to wash, if I throw in the kitchen towels!  And I can’t see the neat lines from when I vacuumed the floor last, so I might as well do that again, too.”  Meanwhile Jordan, ever the energetic one, pops out of bed three hours earlier than I, studies the Bible in English AND in Greek, makes the morning coffee (he is very particular about this, and won’t let me touch it!) and then proceeds to do all the little home-improvement stuff that I desperately want done but can’t do myself….such as, paint the bathroom and put wheels on the Baby’s dresser.  I observe these happenings (once I am finally awake), wrapped comfortably in my robe, with a hot cup of coffee between my hands and a mental numbness enveloping my whole being, all the while wishing for something I can do, or at least wishing that getting out of bed hadn’t made me as breathless as if I had run all the way to the grocery store and back again!

I suppose having little to do is a pretty mild complaint, as far as complaints go.  I mean, it could be so much worse!  And it IS convenient that this forced lull in activity coincides with a serious decline in energy on my part, but I keep thinking, “This is not how I want to spend the last few weeks”.  I don’t want to be sitting around, dissatisfied, tired and bored, as if life doesn’t exist until the baby is born – or, worse yet, develop an obsession with the question, “Is this IT???? Is today the day????”  and get worked up into an emotional hypertension!  I pray daily for patience, and wisdom to see the little things I can do, and am trying so hard not to just wish for it all to be finished and Baby to be here!