“Living the Dream” … Exactly what I’m doing, right? One would think.
With Jordan working 12 hour days for the next two weeks, I’ve had a lot of time alone, at home, on the brink of boredom because the house work and such takes too little of my time, and because the oppressive afternoon heat saps the energy and desire to indulge in any of my hobbies. So, while my body sits in a green recliner (and a new green room – hurray!), my hands moving over a crochet hook, and my eyes taking in the sight of a creamy-painted crib, my mind has plenty of opportunity to sort through random thoughts and makes sense of it all. My life. Who I was, who I am and who I will be. The people who most matter to me. The husband I am missing, and the baby whose frequent kicks keep me smiling. The fragility of it all. The fact that life moves on, stage by stage, and there is no bringing back the “old days” to blend with the new, but rather there must be the bittersweet sensation of moving on, not regretting the transition, and yet….regretting it. Wishing there were some way to freeze moments, and preserve their happiness to be enjoyed at a later date.
So this morning, after getting the “hot” work done – cooking, dishes, a walk – I sat at my kitchen table, thinking happy thoughts of my plans for the day, and suddenly “woke up” to the fact that I am indeed “living the dream”. Living MY dream, and the dream I know so many girls share. I have a man who loves me and cares for me, a healthy little one on the way, a home to call my own, and which requires my care… all of those things that used to make up my happy day-dreams. All those things are mine now, and they are such a part of my every-day-life that I sometimes don’t even notice them. Further than that…I sometimes get dissatisfied with them (reference paragraph above 🙂 )! Already, less than a year into my “dream” I look at the dirty dishes and wish they would just clean themselves for once – or go away. Already, I fret when life makes demands, and I am left alone for the day, when I would rather be with Jordan. Already, I feel how delicate it all is, and how easily it could be lost or destroyed, and a panic sometimes seizes my heart at the thought of losing any of it. Why all these mixed feelings of insecurity and boredom?
Part of the problem, I think, lies in the fact that, dream or no dream, I carry my flesh into every part of my life, and it is always going to put up a fight. Flesh will always want something “new” and “exciting”, will always demand more and better, will always shirk the dirty dishes. That’s just reality on this earth. And after 23 years of dealing with it… it’s come to be pretty normal to me.
But another part of the problem – maybe a bigger part – is that sometimes I am not just “living the dream”. I am living FOR the dream. As in, the fulfillment of my mind’s idea of happiness is LIFE to me, and if things don’t go according to plan I feel empty and at a loss to know what to do with myself. My life has no meaning apart from the dream. And that is wrong. Dreams come and go. Homes and family and loved ones come and go, and at the end of the day, while I still love and can rejoice in my family, my husband, my baby, my home I must be living for something more, something bigger than all of those things. And that brings me back to God, the One who gave me the dream, and fulfilled it. He alone is the Eternal One, who will never change and never fail. If I am living for Him, I can lose everything that now shapes my life and still live with a purpose.
Why is it that I forget this? I should know by now that every time I elevate the gifts above the Giver, there is distortion, and disillusionment, for the gifts can never provide the fulfillment that Christ does. But every time I bring my heart to a place of worship and dependence on God, I am enabled to enjoy His gifts to the very fullest extent – even in the dirty dishes of every day life.