I’m sitting here in the Karate Dojo where my husband and I work. Just holding down the front desk, ready to greet people with a smile, answer their questions and do the random little things our office manager doesn’t have to time to accomplish.
It’s weird to think that Jordan and I just experienced our first Christmas together, and that next year (Lord willing), and for every year after that, it will no longer be just the two of us (well, considering my entire family was there for the event, we weren’t exactly ‘alone’, but for us, our new little family, it was just two). That makes me feel that these are precious times. I will never get them back. I don’t want to be so impatient with not feeling well, so busy with plans for the future, or so apathetic to the ordinary moments that I reach some point in the future and find I have no memory of these days, that they are a blank.
Pregnancy is becoming so much more of a ‘real’ thing in our minds these days. We had the extreme pleasure of announcing the good news to all of our family over Christmas, which automatically brought some reality to the situation. And, for reasons best known to the Lord, my belly decided to pop out two days before Christmas. Not noticeably, to most people, but to a girl who has always had a flat stomach, it now looks huge! And a few of my skirts are either uncomfortable, or simply not wearable. That, and there have been sporadic moments of sickness that I assume is morning sickness… at least, it feels better if I eat a little something, though never a lot, and sometimes food looks and smells like the worst thing in the world to me! But, I haven’t noticed much of a pattern to these spells, so I don’t feel distinctly in the throes of official morning sickness.
The day after Christmas, Jordan and I decided to go ahead and rearrange the rooms to accommodate a baby crib and various baby paraphenilia. We’re crazy, I know. But it is so exciting to know there is a living human being inside of me, a combination of Jordan and I, and exclusively ours. August seems interminably far away At the same time, there is so much to do and become before then, that I feel there couldn’t possibly be enough time in which to accomplish it all! Funny how you immediately want to be a better person when a baby or young child enters the picture.
It is hard not to feel like a failure on a day like today, when I didn’t get out of bed when I’d planned to, didn’t exercise nearly as long as I’d planned to (and for that matter, hadn’t exercised for almost a week), didn’t go ‘above and beyond’ the basics of keeping my bed made, my dishes washed and my laundry under control. Jordan says I need patience with myself, which is definitely true, but I am also acquainted with an ugly side of myself called “laziness” that likes to maximize on those moments when I don’t feel the best, and turn them into an excuse to simply ‘clock out’ of life for awhile and do nothing, when in my heart, I know I could do better. The trouble is, there ARE those moments when I can’t do better, and the difficulty for me is discerning between the real thing and the fake thing. Too often, I err on the side of weakness and self-indulgence.
I read in my Bible today that Jesus was sent to ‘finish the work His Father had given Him” and “not to leave it unfinished” (not exact quotations). These seem to have special meaning to me today. If I could narrow my life and my expectations down to the ‘work’ I know my Father wishes me to accomplish, then I could focus on the finish line. Leaving nothing undone. No more of these ‘half-efforts’ and hanging goals (translate: the walls in my living room will actually GET WASHED instead of always being on my ‘List of Things To Do”).
On a happier note, I was able to spend some of the money my dear family gave me on some expensive yarn for an adorable baby blanket. Which is coming along nicely. 🙂 Also, a New Year’s Eve party that Jordan and I hosted at the Karate school gave us a nice lump of money to spend on maternity clothes and baby stuff. Life is good.