Since this blog is like a little online diary for me….
And since it’s not public yet anyway so no one can read it before they are supposed to know…..
It can’t hurt to say: I TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST THE OTHER DAY AND IT WAS POSITIVE!!!! Actually, both of them were. I took two. 🙂 They were pretty faint, but a definite line.
It just seems impossible. It’s too early for me even to have my suspicions, and after last month’s dramatic failure, I was determined never to test again unless I had definite, un-arguable symptoms. So, there I stood at the kitchen sink, washing dishes, when it flashed through my mind that I had one pregnancy test left in my dresser drawer. And I felt an obsessive need to take it. I felt ridiculous, even while I was doing it, and I walked away from it without a glance, thinking of how silly I was going to feel, throwing away yet another negative (and of course, a $3 sign flashed before my eyes. Another needless expense!). I can’t describe what happened in my heart and throat when I came back and saw that faint plus sign. There, but pale. I took three pictures of it on my cellphone (terrible picture quality! But the best I had), tucked it in my purse, then ran back to look at it every five minutes, just to make sure I hadn’t imagined it. It persisted on being there, light yet visible. “It’s a mistake,” I told myself. Hence another trip to Wal-Mart, and an anxious night’s sleep, waiting for that ‘first morning urine’ that is said to be the best for testing.
Fast-forward to 3:48 a.m. I woke up, again, and realized I needed to go the bathroom. Instantly, I thought of the test waiting for me, and slipped out of bed as quietly as I could. Again, I refused to watch the results developing, and chose to just wait the three minutes and face the worst. In my mind, I kept saying, “It was probably a mistake. This one will show you.” But my heart was in my throat again when I looked and saw that faint line. Faint again. How worrying. No pictures that time, since my cell phone was in the bedroom and I didn’t want to wake Jordan up, but I did stay awake for awhile and look at it frequently, to be sure my sleepy mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. All my negatives had been straight-up negative. Not even a shade of color. But, surely a positive would be more definite than a pale line, right? Two agonizing hours of sleeplessness later, I woke up, showered, and texted my mom.
She has assured me that two positives – faint or otherwise – are still positive, and there is a 99 per cent chance I really am pregnant. I even sent her the terrible, dark, shadowy picture of that first test, and she said she could see it quite clearly. So it’s not my imagination.
You can imagine how I felt all of Tuesday morning. Jordan had his Finals at school, so I didn’t want to tell him right away and distract him. Besides, I wanted it to be a little more special than just “See the stick? Two lines!” I have been praying that this would be the month. Praying that I would conceive, the baby would be healthy and normal and carry to term, we would have a safe delivery, etc, etc, etc…. I am a very long-term pray-er. 🙂 I feel as though my prayers can’t be answered already! I mean, after all, I am only 3-4 weeks along, and who finds out that early, unless they are tracking their ovulation? And what if this will just turn into a miscarriage that I would never have known of, if I had not tested so early?
I don’t want to be overcome with fear and feelings of guilt for not deserving thing great blessing. I want to sit back and enjoy the answered prayer, love the life God has given me, and take what comes. If it is a healthy baby or a miscarriage, I have a God who makes no mistakes, so why am I afraid that this is too good to be true?
I told Jordan, in spite of my fears that this is so early, and I might still lose the baby. I wrote him a letter that went something like this:
Mommy has been telling me how wonderful you are, how well you take care of us, and how handsome and strong you are, but since I don’t have any ears yet, I guess I’ll just have to wait until September, when I can meet you in person. I’m looking forward to that. How about you?
Also, I made the letters B-A-B-Y out of the scraps of pie dough leftover from the pumpkin pie I had made. I didn’t know which he would see first: the letter taped on the bathroom mirror, or those letters in the kitchen on a plate, but either way I knew it would be quite a surprise. He was under the impression that we wouldn’t know anything for at least two weeks.
So, when he offered to run a hot bath for me when we got home from work last night, I was happy to run into the kitchen and get the plate all ready, in case he over-looked the letter. I could hear him banging around in there, and all of a sudden it was silent. Very silent. For what seemed like an eternity! Finally, he called, “Hey, Joanna!” “Yes?” I answered, trying to sound like I was busy, and completely unaware of what he had just discovered. He came into the kitchen, holding the letter, looking a little confused but with glowing eyes. “Um, what does this mean? I mean, does it mean what I THINK it means?” “Weeeell,” I said, “That depends entirely on what you “THINK” it means!” “Are we, uh, having a baby?” I nodded, unable to keep from splitting my face with a smile. He was completely overwhelmed, couldn’t do anything but hug me really hard, and half-cry for about five minutes. I finally asked him if he was ok? “Yes, I’m just so happy! Man! I’m going to have to start being a better person!” I just laughed. I think he’s good enough to be a Daddy just the way he is.
Am I dreaming? My husband, a Daddy??? “Lord, let this be true. Let this be a healthy little baby and a good pregnancy. There are no words to thank You for this answer to prayer.”